Year 2, Day 175: Fourth Day of Vacation- Storyland

A VERY LONG POST.

This day, if it didn't already have a title, would have been called "Blackout" or "I knew this day would come." The first refers to the eating on this vacation. The type of eating that if it was drinking would result in a blackout, or waking up in a dumpster with a mouth like moist cotton. The second refers to the fact that Ruby and I went alone to Storyland today. This is a theme park centered around the so-called "children's stories" of our childhood, like humpty-dumpty and such. It's really quite an amazing place, not just for the kids, but for people like me who are physically sickened and intimidated by the modern rides featured at Six Flags or Busch Gardens. All the rides (save for the Turtle Twirl) are designed for young kids and are for most adults palatable. The turtle twirl stands out because it is a sickening ride, and one that I told Ruby she would have to return to alone. She did. Apparently, children are not bothered by these rides because their Vestibular systems are not yet fully developed, so they don't get dizzy for hours after like their parents when subjected to things that spin within a thing that spins while it simultaneously bobs up and down. But all other rides, the Polar Coaster, the Crazy Barn, Spinning Teacups, but mostly the Bamboo Chute (A Chinese-themed Flume ride that we went on four times) were just great fun and all lasted about 90 seconds, tops. I knew this day would come because I realized when I had children that I would eventually have to accompany them to a theme park some day. But I had never before heard of Storyland. At the first ride we went to do today (Antique Cars) there was a map of previous iterations of the park, including a ride called "Little Black Sambo's Merry Go-Round." My liberal sensibilities were shocked by this display (dated 1954) so I looked to the next map, dated 1968, to see if the ride remained on the map. To my dismay, it continued to be on the map until 1988! That doesn't say much for Storyland, or New Hampshire, but that's another story entirely. I was really amazed at the t-shirts and hats on display there. Many men were boasting of being 'the best Dad ever' or were instructing to me to check out 'the world's greatest grandpa.' One young girl had a shirt that read "Saw it. Wanted It. Had a Fit. Got it." I made a mental note never to get that for Magnolia. I saw lots of pimply teenagers suffering the indignity of having to be seen with the rest of their family, but there were two disturbing sites: one, of an obviously pregnant teenager (about 16?) with her two other friends waiting to go on the Raft Ride, and a teeny baby in a stroller who had frighteningly deep-set and completely purple eyes. Both made me want to 'call them in' but without knowing who to call, I figured the world was best served if I concentrated on bringing up my kids so they avoided purple eyes, irritating teeshirts and teenage pregnancy.

Breakfast:
Kashi Go Lean/Heritage Flakes
1 Small Banana
Blueberries
Unsweetened Soy Milk
Green Tea

Storyland:
Popcorn
A Salad with Chicken (if you can call it that)
a bite of sub-par pizza

Pretennis:
1 Slice Balthazar Bread
3 Slices of Virginia Ham
2 oz. Cheddar Cheese

Post Tennis:
About 10 Grapes
1 Rye Vita Cracker with Super Chunky Peanut Butter

Dinner (Don't Ask—A Sobe Disaster)
Nachos (that's chips, cheese, olives, tomatoes, scallions, salsa)
Chicken Fingers (lots)
House Salad
Ribs (about 3)

Dessert(!)
1 Kiddie Cone Ben & Jerry's Peanut Butter Cup

Naturally, you expect the food at the theme park to be two things; nutritionally deficient, and calorically expensive. In earlier days I would have (and did often) make a beeline for the fried dough. I love fried dough ever since I was first exposed to its original and better ancestor, the funnel cake at a German festival in Kutztown, PA. From a SoBe perspective, there is really nothing worse for you than white flour-dough deep fried in high-fat oil and then doused with butter and sprinkled with confectioner's sugar (which for those of you who never thought about it is a mix of sugar with corn starch). All of the soft-serve and other yummies were there, but Ruby had no eyes for anything but rides. We arrived at 10:00AM and it wasn't until 1:30 that I got her to even look at food and she had little interest then, and in fact, didn't eat any of her pizza. She was more interested in my McDonalad's style salad (very cold, but way too thinly sliced iceberg lettuce and other shredded things, hard cucumbers and Newman's own lite dressing).

When we got back to base, Emily suggested we go play tennis, so I quickly improvised a lunch and we got out there. It was a tragic game, where despite the fact that I completely forgot how to play, we split sets. When we headed out to dinner, I suggested another restaurant, but because we didn't plan there was a 30 minute wait. As a backup we went back to Horsefeathers, but I knew it would be a SoBe disaster. Hungry from tennis, and worn-out from the day, we over ordered on the appetizers and we consumed them while waiting for the entrees to come. I can't tell you how long it's been since I ate a plate full of loaded nachos or chicken fingers but this night I ate a lot of them. The ribs were so sugary that they could barely be consumed, though I remembered that I was quite fond of the Ground Round ribs that I used to eat with Emily when we were in our teens and didn't know from ribs, but surely appreciated all that free popcorn.

In the final act of SoBe-destruction I decided that if we were going to be at a Ben and Jerry's, and on vacation, and on the last night, that I was going to damn well treat myself to a small cone. Though I did get up and get a cup and do away with a portion of it, I did consume it, cone and all, and I did enjoy it though it would be inaccurate to say I savored it. I was sort of going down the drain at this point, so it was just a matter of "surrendering to the void." The one redeeming moment was the fact that I realized how terrible I felt as a result of eating the ice-cream cone. Not just mentally, but physically. I didn't need it, I shouldn't have eaten all of it, and I'm lactose intolerant on top of it all. Feeling quite poorly, I resolved to have more resolve, though I knew in the coming days, that would be tough.