Day 31: More Huffing & Puffing

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM.

Much to the amazement of everybody who knows me, I went on a second walk today with my comrades at work. I have said it before, but it's really to great to go out with the lot of them. They are all various heights, ages and speeds, but they seem to wordlessly slow their pace to make sure I don't fall behind. They might deny this, and in fact, it may be instinctual, but it's sweet and unnecessary since I fall behind anyway. I did break a sweat, and I do think I can keep up the walk pace. Having something else–like a bike ride once or twice a week is really going to heat things up—as soon as I can break the 11 minute mark.

Breakfast
Applegate Turkey Bacon
Three Egg Whites, 1 Yolk Scrambled Eggs
Tea

Snahkën
15 Cashews
15 Almonds
1 Cheese Stick

Lunch
Greek Salad with Chicken

Dinner
2 Roll Mops
1 Head Romaine

Ruby was still sick today, so on my way home from work I got her a pizza (her request) and I stopped at the supermarket to get her "foods to bribe her with." She has not been feeling up to snuff in the stomach department so having the so-called "gentle foods" in the house was important. As I went through the aisles, I took great in joy in purchasing almost everything I could not myself eat: lemonade pops, frosted cheerios, nilla wafers, pretzels and muffins. For me I got some low-fat cold cuts and broccoli. A few weeks ago, in a crispy-frenzy I bought a bag of pork rinds, which I remember were low-carb friendly. In fact, they are the only snack food (that comes in a bag) that is absolutely carb-free, but when I compared them to peanuts I realized why I wasn't going to eat them—THEY'RE STILL SO F*(&((NG BAD FOR YOU. Oh well, maybe I'll have a potato chip on my birthday. Or two hundred and fify. Maybe I'll just smell the bag and roll around in the grease.

Day 30: Must Keep Resolve

One part of being on a diet that doesn't get a lot of press time is the ability to face adversity and STAY ON YOUR DIET. For about 30 days now I have been a stalwart, but recently it's grown somewhat less exciting. I have been known to have my face in the Foxwoods container of chocolate at work, just inhaling deeply. This evening with Ruby, I served her several things that in my old life I would have downed without thinking—a peach pop, cheerios, a graham cracker and some rice pudding, each thing more tantalizing than the last. When I'm at work, sometimes the urge to nibble gets so intense that I am driven to more chewing gum, cheese or nuts. Lurleen (my original SoBe partner) says I have to love vegetables, but that's like loving excercise—it's stupid. Okay it's not stupid, but it makes me angry. Why didn't I grow up loving excercise and vegetables? Who are those people? I realize I must excercise, eat vegetables, and cut down on the nuts 'n' stuff. Sheesh.

Breakfast
Three Egg Whites, One Yolk
2 Strips Applegate Turkey Bacon (Jury is still out)
Tea

Snack
15 Cashews (Eaten 7.5 at a time)
30 Pistachios
1 Cheese Stick
1 Nip

Lunch
3 Roll Mops with Mustard
Bubbie's PIckles
1 Entire Romaine Heart

Dinner
Arctic Char a la Emily
Avocado, Onion, Lemon

Dessert
I'm removing this column

I was again disappointed that it rained today as I was hoping to go for a walk. It never really dried up till the late afternoon, but tomorrow I will go. This AM I did 10 pushups, just to see if I could. Not only could I, but I was able to get up from the ground. A big advantage of being 11 lbs lighter- it's easier to get around, and there's less time waiting for the rest of you to catch up (I experimented with several different ways to say this and this was the least disgusting). Emily says my face looks thinner. That's great but WHERE ARE MY SIX PACK ABS? Okay, I'm a little cranky, but I'm realistic. I'll never have six-pack abs, and what would I do with them anyway? I will be happy just to stay off the CPAP a little longer....

Day 29: Day of Disappointments

Today was disappointing in brackets. This morning at weigh in I was 215. Sure, I thought, it's 11 lbs off and 19 to go (my goal for late-coming readers is to be 196 by Ruby's birthday in July. This will help me avoid the heart attack when moving the big-bouncy thing around the yard). But it's still disappointing when you were hoping for 214. Okay, I'm a stickler. Everyone at the sick house was feeling better today, but when I got home I got a rejection letter for my latest play. Okay, I knew it would get rejected, but it's still a bummer. The only thing that went as planned was the introduction as bread for breakfast. And not just any bread—"When Pigs Fly" Low Carb, Whole Wheat bread. Each slice is a little wider than a playing card. When trying to determine the serving size, I combed through the SoBe book—alas, nothing. The serving size on the bread-bag said an OUNCE. HOW AM I GOING TO MEASURE AN OUNCE OF BREAD? I took a guess that since one of the recommended breakfasts were 'a whole wheat english muffin' that two slices were about the same. I had my paltry allowance of peanut butter on it. It was like eating greasy styrofoam packing peanuts but it WAS crunchy. So that was something.

Breakfast
2 Slices WPFLCWWB
2 Tsp PB
Tea

Snacks
30 Cashews
15 Almonds
30 Pistachios
2 Cheese Sticks

Lunch
Salmon
Boston Lettuce with Balsamic Vinegar

Dinner
90% Sirloin Burger with Fried Onions
Avocado with Olive Oil, Lemon and Onions
Okra Pickles

Dessert
Don' Ask


Felt like a big eating day, but sometimes that's inevitable when you take a few punches to the diet-gut. I am ready to get back out there with another walk (Tuesday and Friday if possible) and will redouble my efforts to watch what I eat. I can already guess that tomorrow I'm going to switch to 1 egg yolk, three egg whites (a trick learned from Amy, my sister-in-law and rogue blog-commenter).

28 Days Later

My last night on Phase One, and night before my bi-weekly weigh-in. We were up all night with Ruby, was fighting her stomach bug. No one in the family got a lot of sleep, and so my plans for lots of active activity with Ruby were smashed. In fact, I couldn't even get her to go outside today, though it was was the first really lovely weekend day since November. I think I have figured out my plan for the next 15 or so weeks on Phase Two (readers take a deep sigh—think you can stay with it that long?). I am going to add one carb to my diet—for breakfast, probably 3 or 4 days a week, and keep to Phase One for lunch and dinner. Though I might make an excepton here and there, I want to strenuously avoid both relaxing my zealotry and slipping too far too quickly. I could easily make a diet of all "allowed items" in Phase Two, but I'd never lose any weight that way. And I promise you, I need to lose weight through dieting, especially if 11 minute bike rides are going to be the norm.

Breakfast—Ol' Reliable
3 Slices TB
2 Eggs
Tea

Lunch
Greek Salad with Tuna

Snack
30 Cashews
1 Cheese Stick
15 Almonds
2 Slices Rolled Up Chicken Breast Cold Cut

Dinner
Hamburger with Carmelized Onions
Pickles and Pickled Okra

Dessert
Status: Refusenik

The thing that's always going to be challenging, I suppose for the rest of my life, is how to satisfy the need to 'graze.' It's hard when you're not on your next meal, but you're hungry. The world (I live in) is fully populated with quick, easy, high-carb snacks, sugar-loaded snacks everywhere I look. It's so easy to grab a bag of chips, or go to a McDonalds, or something, and I must now forswear the convenience for the higher goal of staying alive for myself and my family. But as I have discovered, sometimes that means spending $20 at a raw bar. The next stage is probably that I have to plan better. On the other hand, I am finding it satisfying and easy to give up dessert (so far, the summer will be challenging with its multiple family trips to the Big Dipper) and have switched to black coffee. We'll see how long that can last. The last development is my absolute slavish devotion to sugar free gum, which is a must if I am to avoid throwing the wrong stuff in said mouth. It will also be crucial to having friends, if I stay with the aforementioned black coffee.

Day 27

Saturday. The last Saturday on Phase One for the forseeable future. Started off promising, the usual breakfast and what have you. But then Ruby got a stomach bug. I won't get into the graphic details, but there is an inevitable part of a STOMACH bug. Yes, it happened and repeatedly. Then visiting sister Jane made the chicken livers—you can imagine that it was a morning of questionable sensations mixing uneasily. During this morning period I tried to eat a half a cheese stick—but gave up halfway through. It's been a day of a lot of laundry and towels—as of this writing, things seem calm, but we're in for a long, long night.

Breakfast

2 Slices TB
2 Eggs Over
Tea
1 Tsp Peanut Butter
Side of Jane's Black Bean Mix

Lunch
2 Strips Lox
1/2 Cucumber with Hummus

Snack
15 Cashews
15 Almonds

Dinner
Greek Salad with Tuna, Almonds

No Dessert

When your kids are sick, the anxiety of your powerlessness can really drive you to eat—but this kind of an illness is an exception. We barely ate today at all—except that we knew we had to. I even tried to go for a bike ride during a period where all the children were asleep. But my rookie ways got the best of me. My tires were not fully inflated, and on my unsuccessful ride to get them filled up, I realized how inappropriately I was dressed (not the usual inappropriate way). I was freezing, even in the sun, so I hightailed it back home. Total bike time: 11 Minutes. Not getting an "A" for effort there. But I will get out there again. That CPAP machine continues to taunt me.

Day 26: The CPAP Machine Says: "Keep On Losing"

Last night I submitted voluntarily to my first ever-sleep test. I did this for a lot of reasons, but most of all my concern that I have Obstructive Sleep Apnea—a condition by which you stop breathing during the night. To take the test, you have to show up at around 9:00pm, and they wire you up like a character in a movie—with electrodes all up and down your body—coming out the back like a rasta's head (this image was purloined from my brother's description). With wires hanging from all of your exposed parts, you enter a strange room that looks a little worse than an off-the-highway motel six, and a strange bed and try and go to sleep for the night. From a 2-way window, a group of trained technicians watch you (and presumably, giggle and say rude things). If they see a lot of activity they'll wake you up, and if not they'll let you sleep. When I woke up at 5:30 they said I had done pretty well during the first three hours, but not as good during the second three hours. They suggested that I need a followup study (ugh) and that I might think about "losing 30 or 40 pounds." No joke, they said it just like that. I thought "you (*#&(*$ that's what I'm trying to do." As I drove home in the early morning frost, I decided that I was really going to take this excercise thing seriously, one day. Soon. It's either that or live on a CPAP machine (a machine that forces air into your mouth so your throat doesn't close during REM sleep). I may have finally found something I dread more than excercise.

Breakfast
Turkey Bacon
Eggs Over (Both Yolks Survived)
Tea
1 Tsp PB

Snack
15 Cashews
10 Peanuts

Lunch
5 Shrimp
6 Oysters
Cheese off a slice of pizza

Dinner
Chicken Breast
Salad
Avocado with Onion

After the sleep study, I came home and tried to rest for a few hours, as you do not get a good night's rest from being there (which one would argue makes it a bad test). About noon, I had breakfast then set out to Boston to accomplish what could not be accomplish online (egads)— to get Ruby's birth certificate. We needed it ASAP to register for Kindergarten. After navigating the halls of bureacracy, I realized I was famished—tempting, non-SoBE treats lurked around every corner. I ducked into the Union Oyster House and quickly downed some items. It was packed with tourists (I thought I had avoided that by avoiding Faneuil Hall). Still hungry, I had to go to Haymarket Pizza and get a slice, and just eat the cheese. Honestly, I felt kind of pathetic, but it had to be done. I came home and had dinner, and once again skipped dessert. I am going to wear the CPAP mask (which they gave me at the study) around my neck as a talisman from now on (but not to social functions).

Day 25: More Bad Salads

Not much to say except that I'm still on the traditional breakfast and have been visited by absoutely awful salads. I must look into alternatives.

Breakfast
TB, E.O.E., Tea

Snack
2 Cheese Sticks
15 Cashews
Nip

Lunch
Non-Greek Salad with Chicken
(It was false advertising)

Dinner
Squid with Scallions & Peppers
Beef Teryaki
Shrimp with Chinese Broccoli


Tonight we ate at Pho Pasteur and Ruby, natch, got chicken fingers and fries! Yummy! However, I've gotten to the point where it looks like a roller coaster or a Freddy Krueger movie—fun once, but now it's not for me. She also had chocolate ice cream for dessert. The summer, I can see, is going to be challenging. No fried clams? Are you kidding me? On the plus side I look like a white, 40-year old version of a gang memba with my pantz around my anklez.

If I can make it through a few weeks of Phase Two, I am DEFINITELY going to buy some clothes. Whether my mother foots the bill or not. :)

Day 24: 4 Days To Freedom

Yes it's true, I am probably going to go by my Doctor's office on Monday and get weighed again. But I am also committed to my walking program (tomorrow may be problematic as the forecast calls for 6-12 inches of snow). I don't think I'll have an equally substantial weight loss (8 lbs)—I'm guessing it will be more like four. But for me, it's not a numbers game right now. It will be in June if I'm still hovering around 200—but until then I'm satisifed that I feel better, and am in general less revolting to myself. As I was about two weeks ago at this point, I was starting to fret about getting out there—really out there in Phase Two. I suspect I will add a carb for breakfast (like wheat bread or oatmeal) and then keep the rest of my day the same. Yes the reports are true, I have been offering all my unwanted chocolate and girl scout cookies to my coworkers. It is sadistic, but not intentionally so. Really, I don't take any pleasure in it, I just need to get rid of it.

Breakfast
(Long time readers can skip breakfast, there's nothing new here)
JOTS TB (2)
Eggs Over Easy
1 Tsp of Peanut Butter

Snack
16 Cashews (are you counting with me?)
2 Cheese Sticks
30 Pistachios (give or take a few, many were unopen)

Lunch
Salad with Roast Chicken

Dinner
Jane's Amazing Salmon Concoction:
Black Beans, Salmon, Scallions, Spinach, Nuts, Red Peppers, Snow Peas
Salad

Dessert
Fugetaboutit

Lunch was dreadful. It was from Casa de Pedro's, which is usually super-yummy, but today it was just not up to snuff. However, there was a lot of it, so that was good. I focused mostly on the lettuce and felt like a horse eating hay.

Tonight, I am skipping dessert again, not only to lose weight, but to further my quest to break my dependence on sweets completely. Prior to my diet I must have been eating the equivelant of a candy bar a day. Maybe not every day, but a lot of the days. To tell you the truth, it was shameful and embarrassing. But it did taste great. Today I made a chocolate chip ice cream cone for Ruby with rainbow sprinkles. I felt the ghost of my knees buckle, but never did I entertain the thought of putting any to my lips. And you know, I may not be able to go forever without carbs, or sweets, but the truth is if I had to, I should be satisfied with all that I had consumed for thirty-nine years and up till now.

Day 23: Turn on Your Carb Light

As many people know, today was the first Domania walking group outing. While this kind of trivial detail can seem pathetic on the pages of a blog, it was in fact quite nice and not at all pathetic. Unless you count me, the absolute tail on the pack of five employees, huffing for the whole 30 minutes. I never felt like I was going to pass out, but I must say the sensation of walking for that long felt pretty foreign. I am most grateful to my comrades for supporting me and not poking easy fun as I waddled my fastest waddle to keep up with them. The walk from leaving the office to coming back was about 30 minutes. We hope to go 2x a week. I hope the weather will cooperate—I think we got the nicest day of the week on the first go-round. I think if I wear a med-alert tag, I could probably walk it on my own. I might have to if I ever want to eat pizza again.

Breakfast
2 TB
2 O.E. (both yolks survived)
Tea

Snack
Cheese Stick
15 Cashews

Lunch
3 RollMops Ham, Turkey, Pickle, Alpine Lace Muenster Cheese
Romaine Lettuce

Dinner
2 Small Sirloin Burgers with Carmelized Onions
Snow Peas
Salad with Feta

Dessert
Keep on Skippin'

I realized today that if my meals were slightly bigger, I'd be less hungry. Does that make me a meal-cheater? Three rollmops were a lot, and I found that I didn't need a snack until about 4pm. I was able to keep everything in check, felt a lot of hunger pangs and after another rockin' Emily dinner, I was able to skip dessert again in the bargain. I'm getting excited about the end of Phase One (for real this time, no extended plays) and to that end I am chewing a lot of Trident Sugarless Bubble Gum.
Though I have not been fanastizing about food—I did nearly swoon from the smell of corn chips the other day—though it must have been my imagination. I'm really, really looking forward to some yogurt and wheat bread—and if that means twice around the track for me, bring it on.

Day 22: 10% Less Revulsion

Those of you hoping the title of this blog entry refers to my enjoyment of breakfast will be dissapointed. It's actually that I now feel less likely to "dodge" my own image in the mirror. As the character Harvey Pekar says in "American Splendor" when he passes himself in the mirror "Now there's a reliable dissapointment." I'm starting to feel less like that about me and my image and more about the horrid breakfasts that my limited imagination have forced me to ingest.

Breakfast
Gravlox (for Gentiles, that's lox with dill, basically)
Hummus (homemade)
Tea

Snahk
15 Cashews
30 Pistachios
1 Cheese Stick

Lunch
Chicken Kebab on Greek Salad

MezzoSnack
1 Laughing Cow Wedge
1 Nip
1 V-8 (6 oz)
20 Peanuts

Dinner
Sirloin Tips with Snow Peas and Onions

I must say that my wife has become quite a cook. She really has been a great help all this time, despite her ice-cream and pizza eating ways. Her no-carb dishes are quite yummy and it is a relief to skip the cooking when I get home. I think not cooking has helped me quite a bit, because I was quite a "taste what you're making, eat it as you go along" type cook. The other day I'm sure I made perfect mac and cheese for Ruby without tasting any. I could just tell, it was going to be yummy. Longings: The other day at the pizza shop I realized that I never before gone without eating Ruby's crusts. It took an act of will, but I did manage to get them into the garbage. I might have brought them along for the birds, but I was afraid I would hork them in all their white flour, high carb, sugary goodness. I know that I will never ever, hate carbs. I will always love them. But it's just not our destiny to be together right now. I felt the same way about cigarettes. I didn't hate them, I just had to give them up because they were going to kill me. I guess caffiiene is next....

Day 21: One More Week to Go

While I am not fretting about the poor taste and texture quality of the remaining breakfasts of my life, I am spending a lot of time slapping my forehead as hard as I can about the way I have lived my life, food-wise. Reading and re-reading the South Beach diet book really describes how terribly self-defeating nearly EVERY SINGLE ATTEMPT of mine to eat responsibly was. So many nights just eating a bowl of cereal, just toast. How I was always ordering a baked potato plain because I thought it was better for me. (They point out that any fat you could add to the potato is better because it will slow your body's absoprtion of the sugar). Though Dr. Agatston points out that a slice of white bread is "worse than a tablespoon of white sugar" what really depressed me was his description of an American's sugar-laden diet, from breakfast cereals to "the late night snack of of pretzels made from pure, processed white flour." AAAAHHHHHHG. As I approach my last week on Phase One, I am making a list in my head of what I will eat, what I won't, what I will crave, and what is off the list forever (it's not turkey bacon, I'll tell you).

Breakfast
Eggs (1 broke, 1 whole, both ruined on the over easy)
Turkey Bacon
Tea
1 Tsp Peanut Butter (may have slipped over the 1tsp limit)

Snackadoodle
15 Cashews
1 Cheese Stick

Lunch
Tuna Salad (the tuna-creation, not tuna on lettuce)
Roll Mop
Hummus and Cucumbers

Dinner
Catfish
Salad with Feta

Dessert
None

For the second day in a row, I was out early on errands and seeking out play opportunies for Ruby. Both days, I got to about 11:45 and realized: "I'm hungry and I'm not near my carb-free kitchen." Both times I had to think quickly about what I could eat, and while eating out is not hard for the carb-challenged, it is hard when the primary goal for the place you pick is that they have something your 4.5 year old wants to eat. When you add that to having low blood sugar it can make the whole proposition a head-buzzing affair. Yesterday I got lucky, because Ruby had pizza and I got a grilled chicken breast at the Village Kitchen in Cambridge. Today not so lucky. We were en route to get her a hot chocolate when she decided she was hungry AND thirsty. I ordered a plate of tuna salad, no salad, which in itself was challenging as there was a language barrier to deal with. I secured her a piece of banana-chocolate crunch bread.

Lastly, I am going to try skip dessert as much as I can. I know it's only 40 calories or so, but I'm sure I can do without it. Oh, if only I loved excercise!

Day 20: Oh those mid-size pants

I am noticing that lots of my pants are not staying on me; I have seen this before, when I went from 205 to 175 during the six months prior to my wedding in 1992. I can't remember it bothering me before, but now I'm noticing that when not wearing shoes (which is often), I am walking on my pants. It also looks like I am wearing Britney Spears lowriders, and that is not cool when you're nearly fortysomething. I am by no means wasting away to nothing, but I am seeing some benefits of a second week on Phase One. Of course, I am not ready to buy more pants, but I did start thinking about it for the first time.

Breakfast
2 Strips Jennie O Turkey Bacon
2 Eggs O'er EZ
Tea
1 Tsp Peanut Butter

Snackerino
15 Cashews
15 Almonds

Lunch
Chicken Breast
Tomatoes
Olives

Mezzo Lunch
1 Rollmop: 1 Slice Ham, 2 Slice Turkey, 1 Slice Alpine Munster (Lite) Cheese

Dinner
Steamed Shrimp & Snow Peas
Spicy Green Beans
Beef Stick

Dessert
Skeepit

Have had Chinese food now four times over the course of my diet. This time was probably the best, SoBe wise, as I have learned, I must be weary of sugar, which is hiding in nearly every product under the sun. Amazingly, many of the 'fat-free' foods in the supermarket contain not only sugar, but other yucchy stuff like partially hydrogenated oils and high fructose corn syrup. If they are free of those things, they are so high calorically as to be ruled out immediately (such as the Healthy Choice pops-80 calories each). I have realized that if I am going to be on the diet for the long haul (at least until I hit my goal weight) I am going to experience a few challenges, and I'm just going to have to roll with it.

N-n-n-n-19

Somedays the diet is drudgery, sometimes it's just unappealing. Today was glorious in its routine quality. There was no temptation in Ruby's peanut butter sandwich (though the bugles in her lunch still got a raised eyebrow). Today was just a return to yesterday's breakfast—cucumbers, hummus and lox. The lox was in that interesting place right before it goes bad where it is completely devoid of taste. Its texture was like that of a piece of soft, but slippery fruit leather. I basically treated it like medicine and downed it. I may return to eggs tomorrow, but I needed a few days off. I have been reflecting a lot on the state of being heavy. Of being overweight. I can say it, of being and feeling fat. For a long time I thought it was my inevitable destiny. I now know that I need not embrace that particular destiny—for now. I may never be Antonio Banderas (don't ask why I picked him) but I know I can get to a much better place than I started at. I tell you, between the comments, looking at fat pictures (it's not just the picture that makes you look fat when you're fat) and the insurance—fat people cost more—you can really deny alot of evidence. Okay, I'm done with the bad eating until I retire. But don't ask me to give up gambling or cigars. I won't do it. And I won't clean off my desk either. I'm not THAT self-actualized.

Breakfast
Lox
Cucumbers
Hummus
Tea

Snackz
Cheese Stick
15 Almonds
15 Cashews
1 Carmel Nip

Lunch
Pork, Peppers, Cabbage & Carrots
Beef Stick

Dinner
Sirloin Hamburgers (90% Lean)
Asparagus
Pickles

Dessert
Skipped

I had such great luck at this new Chinese restaurant yesterday (Chik'n'Spinach) that I thought I would return there for Beef & Celery. What I ended up getting was Pork, Peppers, Cabbage and Carrots—and it was fantastic. I didn't notice at the time, but I suppose the dish had some—if not lots—of sugar in it. That's a SoBe no-no, even though they don't explicitly rule it out, sugar is something you should avoid. Otherwise, the dish was just spicy pork and vegetables AND IT WAS YUMMY. I horked it down like a seizurerific don downs little chocolates when confessing sins at the Vatican. I also got some Teriyaki beef, which I was forced to eat on the carride back from the Chinee place, I was so hungry. Surprisingly, I wasn't hungry the rest of the day, I just drank lots and lots of water. Because of the sugary lunch, I figured I owed it to myself to skip dessert tonight. Tomorrow I may seek out some pork rinds.

Day 18

Another day where I desperately tried to think of a non-eggs breakfast. I did it, with slightly better results this time. I realized that cukes, which are SoBe friendly and hummus (pick your favorite spelling, I did) are a good treat, that is palatable early in the morning. I am starting to feel uninterested in food, which is a good sign that you are really clicked in to your diet. I have found a lot of comfort in smelling foods I should not have, like chocolate. I also feel very comfortable in the handling of anti-sobe foods, like the yummy-smelling banana bread I came home to tonight (I had to put it away) or the peanut butter and fluff sandwiches I make for Ruby. No matter what the numbers are, I am on this thing for the long haul.

Breakfast
Lox
Cucubmers
Hummus


Snax
15 Cashews
1 Cheese Stick
1 Nip
15 Almonds

Lunch
Sliced Chicken with Spinach

Dinner
Sirloin with Asparagus

Dessert
Fudgxle

Emily made a great dinner tonight, but it had SNAP peas, not SNOW peas. I think SNAP peas are not SoBe friendly, so I was a refusenik and took up with the asparagus (it was a hot, new batch, for those of you following my morning asparagus revulsion). One of the very few frustrating things about the SoBe diet book is that there is the "foods you should enjoy" and "foods you should avoid" but as those each take up one page each, you can imagine that there are a lot of foods not covered there. I am constantly going to the book, and coming up empty. So snap peas are on the SoBe watch list until someone tells me otherwise. I was glad Ruby didn't entreat me to taste the banana bread she made with Wendy, because I would have had to refuse, and it would have been bad. I may in fact, return to eggs and T.B. tomorrow, watch this space to find out. Had I had the chance, I would have had some corned beef and cabbage today, but sadly, none was offered.

Day Seventeen: Over the Hill, Another Hill

Well, here it is—day three of Phase One, part two. I must say that while I feel fully committed to my project, the thought of 11 more days of crappy breakfasts is...tempting me to skip breakfast. Of course I won't do that (do I look like a guy who has EVER skipped breakfast?) but that is the only part that's really hard now. I am feeling hungry more often, as I try to balance a reasonable portion control while simultaneously cutting down on the nuts. I think if I can avoid catastrophic events, bad head colds and ONE MORE F-ING SNOWSTORM I can sail through this phase. And then, ahh, diet yogurt awaits.

Breakfast
Lox
Asparagus
Tomatoes
1 Laughing Cow Cheese Wedge
Tea

Snack-a-roos
15 Cashews
30 Pistachios
2 Cheese Sticks

Lunch
Caesar Salad with Chicken
Oil & Vinegar Dressing, No Croutons

Dinner
Shrimp'n'Broccoli
Edamame
Cucumbers with Hummus
2 Okra Pickles

Dessert
Skipped


Today, I tried inventively, to have a breakfast without eggs. I think it was not a success. I'm not sure if I live to be 80—or long enough to exclaim "I can't believe it's not butter" I shall not eat this exact breakfast again. It was a bad combination of cold fish, cold withered asparagus and one-day-past-their-prime cherry tomatoes. By the end, my tea was startng to taste like it had been seasoned with iron filings. It's only eleven days more, I keep telling myself. You can make it to the holy land of fruit and All-Bran—on March 27th. Until then, I will endeavor to keep my spirits up—and my breakfast down. I have also come to realize that the days of my puting my hand in anything—a bag of funyons to a cookie jar—grabbing a handful and putting it in my mouth is over. That may be a relief for those who have to share eating space with me, but for me, it was a very brief, but very sad moment.

Day Sixteen: 218 Lbs (Phase One does a Nikko)

Yep, that's the number. I hate when you have to read through stuff to find out what you want to know. I started this thing at 226 lbs. En route to work this morning I stopped in at my doctor's office, where I was officially weighed by a nurse. 218 was the official count. That's 8lbs off, and 26 to go. My goal, it should be stated, realistic or not, is to lose 30 lbs by my birthday in July. Without a rigorous exercise program to lean on right now (I think I can get some biking, walking and swimming in the warm May, June and July) I think my best bet is stay on Phase One for another week or two. I'm not sure I won't keel over if I can't find something besides eggs to eat every morning. I'm also sorry to postpone my enjoyment of Flax-Bran and Low-Carb Wheat bread, but I think I will live.

Breakfast
2 Eggs o'er
Lox
Tea

Snack
15 Cashews
2 Cheese Sticks
1 Nip (they are 25 and 30 calories, btw)

Lunch
Greek Salad with Chicken
Broth of Chicken Rice Soup

Dinner
Patagonian Toothfish
Snowpeas
Broccoli
Asparagus

Dessert
Fudgecicle du Chocolate

My problem being on a diet is always going to be breakfast. Green things don't appeal to me and I'm not sure I can eat any protein besides eggs, lox and turkey bacon. Sure there's whitefish, but then I can't go to work (unless I secure work in a fisherie). Of all the day's cravings, the breakfast family of white-sugar-white-flour bagels, muffins, cereal, donuts and breads are the most keenly felt. Today I made a conscious effort to "feel the burn"—i.e. be hungry. Though the SoBe diet is designed so you can eat when you're hungry, I realize I am not going to break 200 unless I can spend some time feeling hungry. So today I cut down on the nuts—and came very close to skipping the fudgicle. But then I caved. I'm sure I can Phase One it for another week or two, but I will be keeping my fudgicles® close at hand.

Day 15: Phase Two Begins

I must say that I thought a lot about what my day would be like, Phase Two-wise. However, the night was problematic—we didn't get to sleep till 12:30AM. At one, Ruby woke up coughing for an hour; At 2, Mag was up. I had to get up early (not early for most people) at 7 to get Ruby and me to her big first field trip. I sort of stumbled downstairs and you know when you didn't get enough sleep and don't feel hungry...or good? I determined that today would be one more day (mostly) on a Phase One plan. Not just because I want to weigh myself tomorrow, but because I want to keep losing weight if possible, by dieting.

Breakfast
2 Strips Turkey Bacon (Wellshire Farms, not as good as J.O.T.B.)
Eggs Over (both yolks broken in early AM fumbling)
Tea
1 Tsp Peanut Butter

Lunch
Breast of Chicken
Red Leaf Lettuce Salad

Snacks
Two and half Cheese Sticks
15 Almonds
1 Wedge Laughing Cow Cheese
Dragon Stick Jerky(!)

Dinner
Chilean Sea Bass (which is not Chilean or Sea Bass but Patagonian Toothfish)
Snow Peas
Asparagus

Dessert
Punk'd

In a small nod to Phase Two-itis, I cut a mango for Ruby this AM and tasted a sliver to ensure I was not serving her a poisonous gourd. It was good, but I didn't want any more than that sliver. She didn't want them—she has tasted the Costco Dry Mangoes and will accept no substitute. For lunch I had newman's dressing, which contains sugar, and after shopping, I ate a Bread & Circus slimjim, called Dragon Sticks. I walked a lot today, through Drumlin farms (including a stint carrying Ruby) and I didn't bring any SoBe snacks except cheese sticks, which Ruby ate most of. In exchange for the Dragon Stick, I skipped dessert altogether, and resigned myself to chewing gum and water. Longings: During my food shopping, I came across a number of delicious baked goods, including my favorite, a corn muffin. I sighed loud enough for all to hear and moved on to vegetables.

Day Fourteen: Transgressions

People have asked me all week, "Have you cheated?" and "What's the worst thing you've done?" On the eve of my last day on the Phase One of the diet, I have decided to review the weeks and examine this question closely. The first answer is that I did not cheat in any major way—white flour, white sugar, bread, pasta, rice or carbs or dairy. But there were a few close calls here and there:

1. To avoid carrots is impossible; though I ate no whole carrots, the shredded ones tested my resolve. I started the diet picking them out, but then just started eating them.
2. Finger licks: for the first few days I may have licked some yogurt, banana leavings and/or one rice granule from my finger as I prepared these foods for my family.
3. Nuts: I am almost certain I exceeded the daily allowance of nuts every day—there is no listing for Cashews, but I did eat my share of them.
4.Peanut Butter—You are allowed 1tsp —I ate this quite a few times but I'm not sure I wrote it down all the time.
5. Sugarfree gum "Not a calorie free food"— I did not keep track of how much gum I chewed.
6. Chocolate Chips—I ate a handful yesterday while preparing them Ruby.
7. Chinese Food—I ate some beef teryiaki and two spare ribs; I'm sure, in retrospect that these are loaded with sugar.
8. My Poker Game—felt like I ate much more than I should, even though looking back it probably wasn't that bad.

As for today, the supposed last day of phase one:

Breakfast:
Turkey Bacon
Eggs Over
Tea

Snack:
Two Cheese Sticks
1 Tsp Peanut Butter
15 Almonds
20 Peanuts (new!)

Lunch
Chicken Breast
Assorted Olives
Salad (Lettuce, Cabbage, Cauliflower) with Oil & Vinegar

Dinner
Tuna Salad
Beans (with T.B., celery, red pepper, onion, garlic)

Dessert
Chocolate Fudg'cle


Today I had some inner turmoil—This morning I made all the rest of the turkey bacon package, essentially four slices—then I had to fight to keep from eating them as I passed them over and over until Emily woke up and freed me from my Turkey Bacon bondage. Later, I pieced together a dinner from stuff I was making for the week (which wasn't very satisfying) and then I felt compulsion to have a second fudgicle—all of these feelings were beaten back down, but they were powerful for the moments they were swimming around in my head.

As prior to Phase One, I went shopping today for things on the Phase Two diet—lite yogurt, whole wheat bread, fat-free milk, All-Bran cereal (it will be really something if I can bring myself to eat that) and something called "Uncle Sam" cereal, which is like All-Bran but looks a little more promising. Aside from my regular market, I went to Trader Joe's today for a few items. I have to tell you, those are the greediest-grabbiest bunch of shoppers I have had ever had the displeasure to share aisles with. It was as if they were coming to pick up things THAT ALREADY BELONGED TO THEM and I, by standing in the aisle, was getting in their way. Ruby almost got a cart to the noggin in a flaxseed free-for-all. Two balloons later, we were on our way home and happy.

Anyway, I am not ready for tomorrow as of this writing. I haven't thought through my daily or weekly diet and I have to go a field trip with Ruby. That is not good. So far, my plan is to eat a big breakfast and bring several cheese sticks in my pocket. On Tuesday, I will attempt to get weighed on my doctor's scale (preferably a the same time of day).

Wish me luck!

Lucky Thirteen: The Cruel, Ironic Arrival of Girl Scout Cookies

I didn't mention it, but a few days ago the Girl Scout Cookies I ordered during a previous life arrived. It's sort of a reminder that the past is always right there behind you, no matter how fast you are going. There were six boxes (you wonder why I had a weight problem?)—2 samoas (now called something else, but they are the circles with chocolate and carmel); 2 thin mints (for Emily) and 2 peanut butter sandies. I surveyed them with a sadness one might associate with a credit card charge from a lost weekend—a bill come due, late. Immediately I threw them in the chest freezer downstairs except for the PB sandies that I brought to work. They remain unopened, but in a low-blood sugar emergency, I'm sure someone will decimate the package and scarf them all down.

Again I am here on the weekend and realizing the importance of a routine. At work, it's arrive, get settled, work, break, snack, work, lunch, work, snack, walk around the charles river, snack, work, go home. But at home, temptation and non-routine are everywhere. I am nearly done with the package of Jennie-O Turkey Bacon, so you won't have to read about it much longer. There is a lot in that package, if you are only eating two strips a day (if not on a diet I would probably eat about six at a serving).


Breakfast
2 Strips T.B. (available on line at http://www.jennieoturkeystore.com/)
2 Eggs Over
Tea

Snack
About 10 Salted Cashews (they were all in like 1/8ths or crushed amounts, this is an estimate)
2 Cheese Sticks
15 Almonds
1 Celery Stick with Laughing Cow Cheese
5 Cherry Tomatoes


Lunch
Leftover Shrimp with Broccoli
Leftover Chicken with Brocolli

Mezzo Snack
1 Tsp Peanut Butter

Dinner
Cucumbers & Hummous
Grilled Chicken Kebab
Salad

Dessert
C. Fudgicle


Tomorrow is the last day of Phase One—like an inmate leaving prison, I'm not sure I can handle the responsibility of adding fruit and breads and carbs back into my diet. It's easy to handle no freedom, or all freedom, but a little bit requires thinking, discipline and hard work. Naturally, I am afraid as these are not my strong suits. I am impressed at how easy it is to refuse foods not on my diet. I thought it would be a lot harder. South Beach says it does not use portion control because it is a diet you can live on. This part is true—except for the need to "anxiety eat" and eat out of boredom, I have not really felt truly hungry for this past two weeks. I have the hardest time not eating after dinner and before bed, but that's it. It has been unlike Weight Watchers, where I was forever pining for things and living on rice cakes (which according to SoBe are not good). So I have great faith that I can live this way for a while. Going without fruit in the summer would have killed me, but Phase Two only leaves out pineapple, bananas and watermelon(!) so I think it can work.

Twelfth Night

"It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not."
—James Gordon, M.D

Readying myself for Phase Two, I wonder what all people wonder who are getting ready for their 'graduation:' Am I ready? Can I make it in Phase Two? Will I find the relaxed restrictions too relaxed? Will I need to go back to Phase One (as many people, according to the book, do when they find their weight going in the wrong direction)?

Breathe. Take it easy. OK. I was able to wear my black courdoroys today (fashion lovers rejoice!) which is fascinating because for about a year i have only been able to get one leg into them. OK, that's an exaggeration but the truth is I could REASONABLY wear them out of the house, or even down the stairs. Today, I was able to do that. They may not be great pants and the truth is I don't love them, but I did love them today for proving that I have shed inches, even if it's impossible to tell. It doesn't matter anyway since in general I feel better, and it has enabled me to do better at work (though my co-workers could disagree) and get back to reading at home, and of course, having more energy all around.

Breakfast
Jennie-O Turkey Bacon (2 Strips)
2 Eggs Over Easy
Tea

Snacks
30 Cashews (I was like, so hungry)
Cheese Stick
25 Calorie Coffee Nip (see below)

Lunch:
Brazilian BBQ:
Chicken Nobs (2)
Black Beans
Cauliflower & Broccoli
Green Beans
Sausage (Linguica)

Dinner
Chinese
Beef Teryiaki
Spicy Green Beans
Garlicky Pea Greens
Shrimp & Broccoli

Dessert
Chok'lit Fudgcicle


There is a lot to say about today's eating. For years I was a regular at Bello's—the Brazilian BBQ Buffet. I know, it sounds awful—and in some ways it's just as bad as you think, but the food is very good and I knew they would have a lot of vegetables. I really couldn't eat another salad with chicken, plus it was snowing, and if you've lived on the East Coast, you've just about had it with that. Unlike EVERY other time at Bello's, I filled my plate with vegetables, then got two pieces of chicken and sausage. I remember sausage being in a recipe in the South Beach book (couldn't find it just now, but I will). In any event, I left over half the sausage and half 1 chicken nob, which is really a landmark and you can mark March 11th down because I don't remember leaving over meat in any meal in my adult life. This was made possible by 'hearing the diet in my head' and eating all my vegetable first.

Emily's family was here, so we got Chinese for dinner, and there was a lot of food. This diet is both good and bad because of its absence of guidelines for food portions. You are supposed to 'eat until you're not hungry.' I can tell you that in my past life I ate way beyond that point. But tonight I did not—just a lot of veggies and a few sticks of meat. To repeat, because I myself find it unbelievable—I don't miss the rice, or the noodles. And anyone can tell you I loved that stuff.

Lastly, I picked up a bag of coffee nips, which I noticed have 25 calories each as opposed to 30 for the carmel ones. Was this a flavor differential? No, apparently not. It has to do with whether you get a box or bag of nips. the boxes contain larger candies, so they have more calories. Tip: avoid the bags, unless you're on this diet. When you have only 75 calories to spend on sweets, the little bags give the old threefer.

Day Eleven

What I realized this morning was that I don't really miss any of the junky foods I used to cram down my gullet. What I miss is the freedom to do it. You know, eat anything I want in a buffet, for lunch, for snack, a little of this, a little of that. But the truth is that with that freedom came an opression—of being heavy. That is the feeling where you feel bad; where you don't want to buy new clothes, where you don't want to look in the mirror, and where you find ways to make it OK that you are out of breath going up the stairs. That's bad. I really didn't want to be opressed like that—it wasn't worth the freedom to eat whatever you want. Lots of chirpy dieters told me "if you excercise X amount you can eat whatever you like" as they chomped angrily on a celery stalk. I will figure out a way to move my body. But until then, I'm gonna whittle down my weight one turkey bacon strip at a time.

Breakfast
2 Eggs over easy
2 Turkey Bacon Strips
Tea
1 Laughing Cow Light Cheese Wedge

Snacks (Sad because everyday is the same)
20 Cashews (it's hard to count 1/4 cashews, but I did it)
2 Cheese sticks
30 Pistachios
1 Nip

Lunch
Turkey Burger
Mesclun Greens with Goat Cheese
(I had to dispense with what I determined to be sugary onion relish)

Mezzo-Dinner
3 Meatballs

Dinner
1 Shrimp
Very lightly dressed Caesar salad (no croutons)
1/2 Chicken Breast
1 stalk Broccoli
Assorted bites o'spinach


Dessert
(skipped)

In retrospect, it was a big eating day. That is, it looks like one on paper, but probably wasn't any better or worse than the few days prior. I am definitely noticing that I am less tired, though that could be attributed to many things—Magnolia sleeping better through the night or the closeness of Spring. I especially notice it around 3pm, when I used to crash hard until fueling up with a few Reese's or something like that. Now, I feel that I can keep going and don't need the chocolate. That doesn't mean I didn't find myself fantasizing about a bowl of Quisp (a sugary cereal akin to Cap'n Crunch) this afternoon, because I most definitely did. But I didn't necessarily want to eat it. I just wanted to think about it. I think that's real progress. By the time on Monday when I can add fruit back to my diet, it's going to seem positively decadent.

Day 10: Slouching towards Bethlehem

I am finding great comfort in turkey bacon. It does seem to be the only thing I eat that is crispy. That may not seem important, but go a few days without toast or potato chips and you'll be right with me. I used to be someone who scoffed quite a bit at the whole "pretend" industry—turkey bacon, turkey hot dogs, turkey pastrami. Part of the mocking was "why would you eat the imitation?" and part of it was "ha ha, you have to eat the imitation." Now I spend a lot of days eating the imitation—though turkey bacon is there, it's mostly sugar. Sugar free "fudgicles" are sugar-free, but they have lots of bad stuff in them. Don't even start me on "I can't believe it's not butter." If you blindfolded six forty year olds and fed them that, not one I bet would exclaim that. I would actually be surprised if they could find anyone who, after eating ICBINB would say that. It's very definitely not butter.

Breakfast
Two Eggs over (broke en route to pan)
2 Slices Turkey Bacon
Tea

Snack (really, really sad)
2 Cheese Sticks
30 Cashews
15 Pistachios
1 Carmel Nip (30 calories)

Lunch
Greek Salad with Grilled Chicken
Oil & Vinegar Dressing

Dinner
Cajun Catfish
Grilled Asparagus

Dessert
You guessed it—chocolate fudgicle.


I was encouraged today by some co-workers, noting my plight, volunteering to gather a 'walking group' to walk around the nearby Charles river. I used to walk around the Charles river with Danvers, but he's gone now, so the offer was exciting. It's a very good walk—and I don't really like walking, so that's saying something. I also had to explain to Ruby why I couldn't eat any peaches (she has them in syrup in the tub frequently). In my inexplicable need to be obfuscationary and painfully honest, I told her that I couldn't eat peaches because I was "on a regimen." Of course, I needed to explain this further. Again she asked why. I said it was because "I had a big tummy." I think it was yesterday when she asked if I was pregnant. It's comments like that that really keep you clinging to your diet, no matter what kind of oatmeal and raisin cookies your wife traipses in the house.

Day Nine

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."—Thomas A. Edison.

If I'm not hungry, can I be losing weight? The specter of the need for physical activity hangs over me like a dark cloud. I know I must, must, must get out there and MOVE. Or do something. Maybe I will call Joe Manning and see what his secret is.
I think I am really working my way up to it. The time element is certainly a new roadblock. That is, I've had a lot of traditional excuses, but not having any time is a new one. If I can resist sheet cake, is there anything I can't do?


Breakfast
Two Eggs over
2 Strips Turkey Bacon
6 oz V-8
Tea

Snack
2 Cheese sticks
30 Cashews
1 Carmel Nip
30 Pistachios

Lunch
Greek Salad (Mesclun, not iceberg) with Chicken


Dinner
Rock Shrimp & Broccoli
Wee bit of Salad


Dessert
Sugarfree fudgicle

Turkey Bacon is yummy (which is v. surprising). Eggs stil taste like chewing on a mouse-pad, but I think this can be a workable breakfast for the next few days. Definitely in the second leg of this week—a little bit weary, but still committed. Every day I look in the mirror I don't necessarily feel any better, but not feeling worse—or ashamed—is a big step. It reminds me a bit of the Donkey Kong game (Super Mario for those under 30, and for those over 50, forget it). You start from the ground, but you can't get to the girl without getting on the eleveator. So I feel like at least I'm on the elevator.

And that's really something, after all my time on the ground.

And on the Eighth Day...

No, I didn't rest from my diet, I continued on. I must say that in the past I have found great comfort in knowing what I am going to eat for breakfast every day. I now find myself in strange and unchartered territory. It reminds me of times in college when I experienced the same feeling (not knowing what I am going to eat when I get up) but for very different reasons.

Again I am having a taste problem, as this morning my broccoli and cheese omelette tasted like soft rubber. It may have had something to do with the fetid salsa I put on the top (instead of my usual V8). Though I don't miss carbs (the SoBe author guys were right about that) I do miss crispy things. Have been starting to think about pork rinds.

Breakfast
Broccoli and Cheese Omlette (10% lost due to bad salsa)
Tea

Snacks:
1 Cheese Stick
30 Cashews

Lunch
Greek Salad with Chik'n'Kebab

Dinner
Shrimp Cocktail (as per book instructions I ordered something right away as not to feel hungry, wasn't sure if the cocktail sauce was OK but I was fending off the breadbasket)
Side Salad
Sirloin Steak
Broccoli

Dessert
1 Sugar Free Carmel Nip (I was in heaven till I noted that they were 40 CALORIES EACH. How you gonna make a sugar free candy that takes up half your sweet allowance?)
1 sugarfree fudgicle.


It's not that I miss any of that junk—it's just that good, satisfying meals without bread, rice, pasta are so much more challenging.

Day Seven: Half Way There

On the SoBe diet, there is a two week "Phase One" that you are supposed to complete in order to adjust your body's natural insulin-producing setup, that has been thrown out of whack by our nation's high carb, highly processed diet. Once again, looking back on how I went from 172 pounds at my wedding to 226 at my second child's birth can be traced to this exact wrong kind of diet (though coupled with a sedintary lifestyle). I was reflecting on how I do less walking then when I had to walk to the T every day, and how that was sort of a baseline excercise I always had from living, being in the city—walking. The car life exacts a cost for its convenience. Emily and I had one car until 1999. The year that I remember gaining the most weight were 1997 (quit smoking); 1999 (got a second car and started a high-stress job); 2000 (Emily pregnant; we both went on an eating binge). C'est la vie. So it's time to check out of the eat-anything-you-want hotel; I've had a great stay. Hope I can come back sometime (Is it sad to say that?)

Breakfast:
1 Egg (in response to cards and letters about my cholesterol leve)
Lox
Tea
Cheese stick
Olives

Lunch:
Tuna with real mayonaise and hot sauce
Swiss cheese
Pickles

Snacks
30 Cashews
10 Almonds
1 Cheese Stick
2 Diet Cokes

Dinner:
2 Steak Tips
Broccoli with Fat-Free Cheese (has a bad aftertaste when melted, I noticed)

Dessert:
Sugarfree fudgicle
Mocha Ricotta (Double dipped on dessert, but it is Sunday night).


Here's looking at Monday. I'm not sure what the week will bring, but I think I'm ready. Maybe I'll weigh myself on Friday. Or maybe not.

Day Six: The Weekend

Sure, you go and develop a routine during the week only to have to face the weekend, when you are forced to, with both excitement and trepidation, break said routine. I knew I could not eat one more omelette this morning, not because I did't want to eat it so much as I didn't want to make it. It's a production every morning. This was also "the morning after" the card game, and traditionally I don't get much sleep and feel like *#&$@($#. Unlike most other carb-laden morning afters, though I didn't feel that bad. I was able to get up, get with Ruby and get going. Got my haircut (lost another pound there) and generally got on with the day. It was hard to understand what I was going to eat. SoBe lists "Foods You Can Enjoy" and "Foods You Should Avoid." The former looked very big at the outset, but now looks like the menu at a resturant in Ireland during the Potato Famine: Potato Soup, Potato Pie, Potato Pudding. I'm trying not let it get to me—just 8 days to Phase Two.

Breakfast:
Two Hard Boiled Eggs
Smoked Salmon with Lemon
Tea
1 Cheese Stick

Snack:
30 Cashews
15 Almonds
Celery Stick with Laughing Cow Cheese Wedge in it

Lunch:
Roll Mop of Ham, Lettuce and Fat-Free American Cheese
Pickles
(Aileen I think coined the phrase "Roll Mop." I forget why but it is an evolution of "roll-up" when you roll the meat and cheese in carpet-like circle.

Dinner:
Tenderloin Steak Tip
Black Beans
Asparagus

Dessert
Ricotta Cheese/Cocoa


Around lunch time, I was starting to think that all food has lost its flavor. My roll mops were tasting like old wax lips. This morning it was hard because I was making Ruby a cream-cheese bagel (she wanted a second one BTW) and I was eating my lonely lox. I again realized that half of my weight comes from eating what Ruby leaves over, stuff I ordinarily don't eat—like her peanut butter and jelly crusts, chicken nugget leftovers, nacho plate rejects, and so on. I got her a donut to tide her over while I dragged her to the Barber shop (read: bad parent) and she offered me a bite which I almost took before I wisened up.
It's also hard not to taste things I'm making for her, like pasta and rice—or licking my finger after I do same.

I had some romantic feelings for Pizza today. Maybe we'll see each other again, not like we did, but you know, be friends.

Day Five: Treachery is Everywhere

With a certain weariness, I faced the day. Though I have not had the headaches or "off" feelings that were widely reported, I know that today is going to be tough. Not only is an employee at work having her last day today (which means catered lunch and that temptation de tutti temptation—sheet cake) but I am playing in my card game tonight. My usual fare at the card game included a VERY unhearthealthy collection of foods, like Funyuns, Doritos, Fritos, Hi-fat cheeses, sugary sodas, and sandwiches, pizza, all kinds of things that SoBe frowns on, ESPECIALLY in the first two weeks.

1. Canadian Bacon Omelet (definitely ready for a new breakfast—old stories of eggs causing heart attacks continue to linger, but do not worry me. I am hoping I don't have to run for a bus anytime soon, though).
2. 6 oz V8
3. Tea

Snacks:
1. 3 Cheese sticks
2. 30 Unsalted cashews
3. 15 Unsalted pistachios

Lunch:
Chicken and Guacamole in a Pita (I removed the pita wrap like a bad-smelling turd and tossed it aside)
Pickles, Lettuce and Tomato.

Dinner:
Turkey and Roast Beef, rolled up with pickles
Half Sour Pickles
Salad

Dessert:
Weight Watchers sugar free pop—this tasted like I imagine Astronaut food tastes. Dense, and a flavor
almost, but not recognizable.

Etc.
Edamame
Olives
2 Laughing Cow Cheese Wedges


All in all, it was still a pretty good day. There is no doubt that I ate more today than in recent memory, and as I noted in the title, I am constantly having to ferret shredded carrots out of my salad, and now I'm noting that I have to REALLY examine salad dressings (which contain sugar) and some Weight Watchers items (ditto). It's hard enough just to try and eat right, but when people start putting high fructose corn syrup in their fat-free salad dressings, it really can make you bum out.

Amazingly, I did not eat any really bad food—I resisted all the sheet cake, chocolate eggs, white flour, sugar and carb-laden snacks that came before my nose, and in eating range of my mouth. Even the plate of salami, pepperoni and cheese chunks that Dan put out didn't phase me. Yesterday, I actually sensed a new energy coming on. But I won't get carried away just yet.

Day Four Arriveth

The joy of eating a ham omlette every day has not yet worn off; but I do find that I'm very hungry, and not very tolerant of waiting for the ol' 10:30 low-fat cheese stick that comes down the tracks. It is a more disciplined way to live, and I'm OK with that. I feel in some ways like I'm driving away from my old style of eating, watching it get smaller and smaller.

Aileen is my diet partner. She and I discuss the various merits here and there. It's good to have a partner in a diet. Because most of the angst is experience alone, it's nice to trade war stories. Who else could be sympathetic to your plight but someone else on a diet?

In the words of David Byrne "I dream of cherry pies, candy bars and chocolate chip cookies."

Breakfast:
1. Canadian Bacon Omelet
2. 6 oz V8
3. Tea

Snacks:
1. 2 Cheese sticks
2. 30 Unsalted cashews
3. 15 Unsalted pistachios

Lunch:
Turkey Burger on Greek Salad

Dinner:
Artic Char
Spinach
Longing looks at breaded chik'n nuggets

Dessert:
Three yukky hard candies that made me tingle with asperateme.
Sugar Free fudgicle.

At lunch, I asked the waitress if there was bread in the turkey burger—she said 'no' but I'm sure she was lying. A case of "I'm not going to tell you the truth now that you have your lunch." Also, there was carrot shreds in the salad—causing me to clear the table with my right arm in frustration, causing a scene. Actually that didn't happen, but I was upset.

Aileen says I need more fiber. I say if 'vegetables are so good why don't they make them out of meat?"

Day Three

Every day I get up mindful of the fact that I am stepping oh so slowly away from my heart attack. That is comforting to me. Also just the fact that I can do anything to move closer to losing weight is good.

Breakfast:
1. Canadian Bacon Omelet
2. 6 oz V8

Snacks:
1. Cheese stick
2. 30 Unsalted cashews
3. 15 Unsalted pistachios
4. 2 light laughing cow cheese wedges

Lunch:
Roll Mops, composed of Dewar's Black Forest Ham, Fat-Free American Singles and a few romaine heart wedges. Bread & Circus pickles (read: no flavor) on the side.

Lunch Dessert: Jello sugarfree—yuckky tasting, and probably not worth the 5 calories.

Dinner:
Boneless chicken (emerly made it)
Asparagus with Olive Oil and Black Pepper

Dessert:
Sugar Free fudgicle.

When cleaning up, I sample Ruby's hamburger by dipping it in ketchup (a VERY bad thing). Also, I tried to have asian slaw, but realized it had carrots. Double hockey sticks!

Must firm up resolve tomorrow.

Day Two

I weigh 226 lbs. At least that's what I weighed (wearing REALLY HEAVY clothes) at the Doctor's last week. My goal is to lose 30 lbs by my birthday in July. I was surprised by my weight, because I thought I would be heavier—I've been about this weight for maybe two years now. I can't say that it's an especially good weight for someone who stands 5'9". I looked on the chart and it said that I was "obese." Not "overweight" but "obese." I don't feel obese. But I do feel kind of crappy. So, I embarked on this journey. For some reason, I never considered going on a diet. Maybe because I didn't know about any diets that weren't Atkins or Weight Watchers. But I couldn't go into 40 without a fight.

Breakfast:
1. Canadian Bacon Omelet
2. 6 oz V8

Snacks:
1. Cheese stick
2. 30 Unsalted cashews
3. 15 Unsalted pistachios
4. 2 light laughing cow cheese wedges

Lunch:
Verde Salad at Casa de Pedro:
Squash, Zuchini, Cilantro dressing, red peppers, tomatoes, lettuce. Big salad. Was unsure about the peppers, know you're allowed to have a few tomatoes (but don't push it).

Dinner:
Trout with Almonds and Scallions
Salad with Broccoli, Garlic Oil & Vinegar dressing

Dessert:
Sugar Free fudgicle.

I also realize how much I am a food vaccumer. I must avoid finishing Ruby's dinner, eating her lunch as I make it, or just tasting things willy-nilly. Today I almost tried her grapes in the AM- a big no no. Will probably bring roll-mops tomorrow. I don't want the meat to go bad. The turkey is already looking a bit slimy.